"I don't care how much it hurts I've got to have control!
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul!"

I am a cow. And it's killing me. The hunger pains are nothing compaired to looking at myself. Feeling my nastiness move as I walk. I cannot believe I've let myself get to this point! I've got to stop looking to other people and look only inside myself. I have random access to a computer and I know no one who thinks like me. At least not in person. So while I'm away from my computer, I am alone. Only me and the thoughts in my head. And that's all it's going to take to get out of the wrong frame of mind. I have been letting fat win, but not anymore. Good luck with your goals, ladies. I hope you're all doing well!

SS & TT

- Em

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!"

I'd like to introduce a new site!

It's called GlitterVeins Socialite.

It's one of the very first social networking sites exclusively intended for those with eating disorders. You can check it out at http://www.social.glitterveins.com

You can upload photos, files, create video albums, comment on each other's walls, keep a blog, create and join groups, and much much more!

But best of all, you can connect with others who have eating disorders with the fear of your account being deleted, like on myspace and facebook.

Thanks. We look forward to seeing you.

I ate today: Egg white omelette with tomato, onion, and cheese. English Muffin, and black coffee.

That's all folks. :-)

Okay so I haven't posted to any LJ ana/ed groups in a while.

Mostly b/c I haven't been doing well mentally and I was sent to Hotel 7-Central at the local hospital (i.e. The Psych Ward). Well the hospital staff definitely makes you eat They literally sit down and watch you eat, once they realized I was just closing the lid on my food tray after I'd picked at it long enough to seem like I'd ate.

Anyways, they also prescirbed me 'crazy-meds' (Depakote) which make you ravenously hungry, overly lethargic, and gain weight without even trying. I gained a little over 5 lbs in ONE WEEK. I even went to the gym E.O.D. for my cardio despite the exhaustion. Well I stopped those fucking pills and have been slammed with major paranoid mania, but the "up feeling" of mania is killing my appetite (PRAISE JESUS!). I just need a few more days to get back into full blown caloric control. Today I woke up and have had a 100 calorie yogurt. I think it's good to get 100 calories in first thing in the morning just so you don't lapse in the day. I am drinking so much water, black coffee, and tea that I pee every half hour but it keeps me satiated til my next low cal meal.

I even have motivation to lose this weight (and then some). It's called a WEDDING dress. Yikes huh? Well see I actually met a man on LJ in Aug. 08 and he wants to take me to his city and marry me. (We've met in person and spent a lot of time together, dont worry he's not an ax murderer) I am enthralled as I love him so, but feel that since he has last saw me I've gained all this weight. AND he already bought me a dress which I requested he get a 4, but I did a little research and found out that the particular brand of dresses run small. So a 4 will fit more like a 1 or 2 US size. WTF! I haven't fit into a 2 in a while, but there is only one solution really, and we all know how to achieve it: A little elbow grease and empty bellys.

So in order to commit to myself, and my future husband who I am sure does not want a fat wife he can't toss around or carry down the aisle, I am VOWING TO YOU LADIES to post every calorie that goes into my mouth until there are no calories to post. Humans can live like 20+ days wihtout food ya know...

**FINAL EDIT Thu Dec 10 02:15:47 UTC 2009**

So there is the final update... Over the past day we have processed around 11 million jobs out of the 12 million that were in queue at that time. Please bear in mind that over this past day, more jobs for notifications are also created. So while the queue has been dropping, we are still not fully caught up at this point, due to backlog and new jobs. We have roughly 3 million jobs still pending that involve the notification system in some manner. We had hoped we could have fully cleared the queue in a day, but unfortunately we can't clear it too quickly, since we need the rest of the site to operate normally. From our current perspective on the amount of jobs that are left in queue, and how many it has processed thus far, we believe it will take around another 8 - 12 hours to process everything.

And finally some answers to some questions:

( Read More and Get Some Answers... )